Playing the ‘Blame Game’ rarely if ever, leads to a win:win situation, not even a win:lose/lose:win, however you will achieve a lose:lose outcome easily.
- What Is The Blame Game?
- How Do I Know I’m Playing It?
- Why Do I Play It?
- How Do I Stop It?
This was the topic for this month’s Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway Self Development Group
Q. What Is The Blame Game?
It’s a socially acceptable game to play, have you held any pity parties lately or been a guest?
It’s so easy to want to agree and been seen to support than to challenge or offer to help them find a way out.
The Blame Game is an easy trap to fall into! I still do it!
I was driving to an appointment yesterday morning thinking about the topic for the evenings meeting and what examples I could use – as I exited a speed restricted area the car in front of me continued to ‘pootle’ along at 40mph, I started to get frustrated and willed him to speed up as I was going to be late – ahh so now I had an example – it was his fault I was late!
Here are some examples of conversations you might be part of:
‘You’ll never guess what he’s gone and done now!’’
‘Oh no hun, he doesn’t deserve you, he doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you.’
‘I know, I’d leave but I can’t uproot the kids and who would look after them as I’d have to get a job.’
‘They can’t treat you like that, it’s unfair. I don’t know how you stand it.’
‘Well I’m not going to do anymore than I’m paid for, that will show them!’
‘I think you should look for another job.’
‘I’ve had a look but there’s nothing that pays as well.’
We can also hold parties for one where we give ourselves a good beating up for all those things we didn’t do/should have done.
The conversation goes something like this:
‘I am so stupid, why did I do that? They must think I’m an idiot! I am an idiot!’
‘I know they are talking about me, it’s because I’m so odd, I’ve never fitted in.’
‘It’s my fault she isn’t happy, I’m just not good enough.’
Q. How Do I Know I’m Playing The Game?
The Blame Game drops you into victim mode where you experience Lower Self states such as:
- Low energy
Ask yourself ‘Who Or What Am I Blaming?’
For anything I am having, doing, being or feeling:
- That driver
- The teacher
- The weather
Anything/anyone else you are blaming?
Q. Why Do I Play The Game?
- We want to preserve our identity/ego/self esteem – It can’t be my fault, I’m not that sort of person. We blame others as a defence mechanism to protect our own self.
- FEAR can be expressed as anger – we are hurt or confused so rather than try to understand why we are fearful we lash out.
- Here’s the BIG one – We don’t want to accept RESPONSIBILITY
- I’m not ready/prepared or I just don’t want to change.
- I want to keep hold of my PAYOFFS that keep me a victim.
- It keeps me out of the spotlight meaning that I don’t have to look at my own behaviour and maybe uncover something I don’t like about me.
Q. How Do I STOP Playing the Game?
- What’s your intention? To let off steam, prove yourself right, or solve the problem? What do you want to get out of this situation?
- Look for patterns – you will keep getting the same situation until you recognise it and make a change. Do your relationships follow a similar pattern; do you end up with the same type of partner, friend, boss?
- Identify your payoffs, what do you gain by being in this situation? Does taking responsibility for other people’s behaviour give you something to moan about allowing you to stay in victim mode?
- What are the triggers that can spark off a game? E.g. a particular term of phrase, a facial expression (roll of the eyes), the tone of voice used?
- Look in the MIRROR! What part are you playing? What are you saying about the other player/s, is this a reflection of the parts of you that you don’t like?
- Look for the lessons – what can you learn for the next time you are tempted into the game?
- What have you to be grateful for? I believe there has to be something good from all situations.
- Accept and let go. FACT – life can be unfair.
- Have compassion and stand in the other persons shoes, it may give you a different view of the problem. You might not agree but you might understand.
If you want to know more about how to identify, take responsibility and change what isn’t working for you then contact Alison or join the Self Development Group.
Workshops to help you Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway are scheduled throughout the year.