- It’s NOT my fault!
- It’s his fault I’m miserable!
- If she hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be angry!
- It IS my fault!
- Oh why did I do that, I’m hopeless!
The Blame Game is:
When you are blaming another person for something you are having, being, doing or feeling
‘I’d be happy if you just stopped going out with your mates.’
‘It’s not my fault I can’t get a job, it’s the state of the country.’
‘I wouldn’t be so stressed if you did as you are told.’
When you are blaming yourself for something you have done or not done.
‘I am so stupid, why did I do that? They must think I’m an idiot! I am an idiot!’
‘I know they are talking about me, it’s because I’m so odd, I’ve never fitted in.’
‘It’s my fault she isn’t happy, I’m just not good enough.’
The Blame Game takes you into Lower Self where you take the role of victim. You may recognise feelings and behaviours such as:
- Self sabotage
We all have our own values and beliefs which create our world, our map of the world. What’s high value to you, may be low value to someone else. What’s right in your world may be wrong in their world.
When our view doesn’t match another’s view fear can surface and we resort to playing the blame game to try and get some control back.
Have you ever been in a situation where they just don’t get it! you are baffled and perplexed because they can’t see your point of view? What’s wrong with them, it’s plain to see that you are right.
Or do you ever beat yourself up? When you do something that doesn’t match your own rules you can start to blame yourself getting tangled up in a cycle of self-hate and self-criticism.
Blame comes from a feeling of fear and helplessness, if we follow the thread down the levels of fear, as Susan Jeffers says, down to fear level 3, it will ultimately lead to thoughts of ‘I can’t handle it.’
I can’t handle being rejected
I can’t handle being not liked
I can’t handle being judged
I can’t handle being lonely
What can you do to stop playing the blame game?
1. Follow that thread down, follow your thoughts down, keep asking yourself what am I thinking when this happens? What is my low level fear? What can’t I handle? It may take some time to get to this stage, don’t rush it and don’t create new blame that you aren’t there yet. Once you are there, and understand your low level fear of ‘I can’t handle…..’ look for evidence of when you have handled it. There will be plenty, you haven’t got this far in life without handling ‘it’.
2. Remember that there is only one person you can change, that’s YOU. No matter how much you shout, ignore, cry or scream you cannot change another persons habits. You may manipulate them into doing or behaving how you want but that won’t be a lasting change and would you really be happy with the knowledge that you are a bully?
3. Say SORRY! admit when you have blamed someone or something. It’s not about turning on yourself and blaming yourself, it’s about being an adult (even if the other person doesn’t want to be one) and accepting and learning from the situation. Reflecting on what you could have done different, learning and growing from each situation.
We’ll be discussing the Blame Game at this Monday’s group meeting. Feel free to join us and bring along your story. Everyone is welcome.
If you want to know more about how to identify, take responsibility and change what isn’t working for you then contact Alison or join the Self Development Group.
Workshops to help you Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway are scheduled throughout the year.